I enjoy Nigerian scam e-mails. Some people may think that they are awkwardly worded, overly formal, or just plain unbelievable. I, on the other hand, think that writing a good, formulaic Nigerian-style scam e-mail requires creativity, an aptitude for thesaurus use, and a hunger for success (err… maybe not). This one was quite special. I don’t know if it was the correct spelling of “esophageal” (disregard the improper capitalization), the discussion of the Internet in paragraph 1, or the bizarre religiosity that can be found in a proper Nigerian-style scam e-mail. Also, best typo ever: “defiled” in place of “defied”. Or is it a typo?

Read for yourself! I only wish I could be so creative at times.

The potential for structural analyses is infinite!

“Dear Friend.

Good day and God bless you. I feel quite safe and satisfy dealing with you
in his charity project.Though, this medium (Internet) has been greatly abused, I choose to reach you through it because it still remains the fastest, surest and most secured medium of communication. However, this correspondence is
purely private, and it should be treated as such.

As you read this, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe
everyone will die someday. My name is MRS.LILIAN JONES, a merchant in Dubai,
in the U.A.E. I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer . It has defiled all
forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to
live, according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have
or make all the money in the world.

I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would
live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has
called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and
extended family members as well as a few close friends.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to
give aims to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last
good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations
in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they
refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as
they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of
TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS $12,000,000,that I have with a finance/Security
Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity
organizations.

I have set aside 25% for you and for your time if you want to help me to collect this Funds and also invest this money.

N.B-PLEASE I WILL ADVICE YOU TO CONTACT THE LAWYER IN NETHERLANDS
IMMEDIATELY, HE DOES EVERYTHING ON MY BEHALF AND HE’S VERY
UNDERSTANDING AND I BELIEVE HE WILL LEAD YOU TO YOUR SUCCESS IN JESUS NAME
AMEN.

Name: BARRISTER.JOE BENSON

Email: joebenson88@aol.com

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.

Yours in Christ,

Mrs.Lilian Jones “

Stomp on your heart.

Stomp

stomp

stomp

stomp

stomp

stomp

stomp

stomp stomp stomp stomp

stomp

stomp

stomp

.

It is certainly not about you.

Enjoy the stomping.

(stomp stomp stomp)

happy st. patrick’s day.

i have bright yellow food dye on my hands.

stomp

stomp

stompstompstompstompstompstompstompstompstomp

video games

i like them.

stomp stomp

stomp

your heart.

not mine.

thus, I win.

My heart is unstompable.

This is not fake. This is a real e-mail. I am immature, yes. This has inspired a play to be written…I’m hilarious. I do not need to fully explain this, because the e-mail explains it all. In short, I was insulted at how a douchbag named George who was my mom’s boyfriend left her for another woman, and decided to break up with her via e-mail.

******************************************************************************

First of all, my mom did not give me your e-mail address, so you can’t get angry at her. I’m pretty smart, I can figure things out.

George, when I was a little girl, you were a cool guy. I remember you being a nice person. I remember playing catch with you and my dad in your backyard in Brampton; it was fun. I mean, you would have to be a stand-up kind of fellow to be friends with my dad.

I really would like to know one thing. I want to know HOW could you do this to my mom? Let’s just look at a few little details here:

How could you spend two years not contacting my mom after my dad’s death? Do you realise how many people just abandonned my mom after my dad had died? People who she thought were her friends too, who she had known for decades?

If you had not gotten divorced from ******, would you have even bothered contacting my mom, or would you be like the rest of them? Do you realise how abandonned and lonely my mom must have been? I think you did, I think you were well aware that you could take advantage of my mother when she was so vulnerable.

Do you know how shady you come across as? Not contacting my mom until JUST after your divorce has been finalized? If my dad had not died, would you have contacted my mom after your divorce? Were you just waiting for the day my dad would die so that you could divorce ****** and get my mom back? How could you stab your dead friend in the back and then try steal his wife?

1 strike is the first divorce, 2 strikes is the second divorce, 3 strikes is going after your dead friend’s widow and then dumping her over the internet.

It does not even come as a surprise to me then, that you dumped my mom because you found a different woman.

But really, how can you do that? Are you 16 years old? Grown adults don’t dump people over the internet. Neither do men with balls. You spend years pursuing my mom and then don’t even have the balls to break up with her over the phone?

Honestly, how do you rationalize this? I really want to know what your explanation is for these years of disrespectful actions.

It may not have been the most mature thing for me to track down your e-mail address and send you an irate message, but too bloody bad.

I hope that one day you will experience the pain my mom has experienced.

Yours Truly!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Leora Brooke *******************************

p.s. BC is fucking awesome dude!!!! too bad you’re a douche bag, otherwise I would invite you to hang out and smoke some pot with me on the West Coast!!!!

Below is a copy of an e-mail I received today. Yesterday he e-mailed me telling me to tell him about myself. Knowing that this was probably a courtship/financial scam, I decided to humour the young fellow and tell him my husband has been cheating on me and I am looking for companionship. This is the essay of a response I got back:

“Thanks for your response to my mail and i really appreciate it.It was very nice and good for me to meet a nice lady of your caliber,i will really cherish every moment or words we share together in mails and i pray our relationship to be fruitful and everlasting, i must sympathize with over the unclean act of your housband cause i will say my religion forbides that.it is a very dirty act one can engage his or her self into.

Like i told i am a black as you already know,i too believe you are not a racist neither do you discriminate for we are all from One God and maturity is the watch word in every good afffair.Age is a never a barrier love,the younger the age,the sweeter the action/love affair.

You already know my age while my zodiac sign is TAURIUS and birthdate is APRIL 26.I am from a polygamous family of nine children while i am the LAST born,my mother died 26 years ago as you can see i never enjoyed the motherly love/care I was six months old when i lost my mother.

Presently i am studying Library and information science in a federal polythecnic in my country.So i am a student presently with no job yet but just managing my self.I really dont have gold neither do i have silver to offer you,but i promise to give you my heart while you in return will give me yours for i know it is fragile and i will handle it with care.

I dont know if you live alone and how often you come online.i sometimes do come online and i will like to have your yahoo mail address so that i will add you to my mesenger for us to be chatting.i guess you have your privacy at home and if i may ask,do u live alone.Are you seeing someone over there or do you have a serious affair for me to be sure i am not intruding.For me i am very much single and avaliable for you despite the fact we are far from each other.we will definitely meet or be together one day if our love grows because that is my dream.so distance should not be a barrier to this affair.

My mobile number is +*** 8037397939.Feel free to call me or text on any time you wish or email me on my mail address *******2001@yahoo.com.i will be very glad if you can send me more of your pictures for you are a very sweet and pretty woman.i admire the hand work of God in you for you are a beauty to behold on every man’s eyes.I see something special in you which i am yet to unveil but i promise i will not let go till i can feel,taste and see ur love shinning on me………lol

Finally tell me how ur love affiar is,feel free to tell me what you like most in a man in every ramification of life and all aspect of love affair.

George”

HOLY CRAP. I need suggestions for what to reply to this fellow!