Archive for the 'Stories' Category

Really old stuff

I was talking to some people about a short story I wrote back when I was teenager.  The story was about how I will die.  It stemmed from me telling them that “every time something great happens in my life, I thought ‘wouldn’t it be funny if I died today?’”  Wow.  That is so Vonnegut.  Anyway.  This is a little piece called “Social Anxiety hey hey hey” that I wrote when I was in highschool. Ha  ha ha.  Grammar etc. has not been edited, so that this can be enjoyed in its natural form.  Hilarious.

One day I’m gonna go outta my house and people will be all ‘Oh my god. I recognize you’. And I’ll say ‘what? what are you talking about? When did this happen?’ and it will seem like a horrible joke. [It's like that story I read in grade 9 English about the man who woke up and discovered he was the mayor of his town and didn't know how.]
‘I’d hate to become the people I hate’ I’ll complain. So then I’ll hop in the minivan with my dad and go to Wyoming. And go to Albuquerque and head west. Yeah, ba by. On Route 66. cause we never finished the trip. We only made it to Albuquerque last time. And then we’ll reach the coast. And I’ll be happy cause I made it. Then something disasterous will happen. I’ll be in West Hollywood eating a snocone on Santa Mon ica Boulevarde at a crosswalk. The cross walk will say ‘walk’ and i’ll walk. Then out of nowhere will come a speeding Chrysler that runs a red light and collides with me. Blood, Leora and Snocone all over the ground; All over the windshield. I’ll curse my self as I’m dying ‘I always said I’d die the one time I didn’t jay-walk …’

Domestic Violence – Not a hilarious form of gossip fodder

1. There are a few forms of violence that society has a particularly difficult time dealing with — in court, in the media, in social discussion, etc.  Domestic violence and sex crimes (with the exception of most types of pedophilia, if one excludes the double standards about women who have sexual ‘relationships’ with 13 year old boys vs. men who ‘rape’ their teenage students) are taboo, and that isn’t going to change for a long time.

2. I do not normally follow celebrity gossip; I am so uninterested in it, and don’t care to elaborate.

3. About two weeks ago, pop star Rihanna was allegedly assaulted by her boyfriend, and since then, the media has been having a field day.  I have actually been following the story in a sense; not because I am interested in the specifics of the case, or the dirty details, but because I am both fascinated and disgusted at the way an isolated incident of an alleged act of this type of criminal act has been covered ad nauseum.  I am fascinated about WHY this type of criminal act has been covered ad nauseum.

The story: a man is arrested for allegedly beating his girlfriend.  An arrest is made, and an investigation begins.  Normally, this is all that you would read about in the news, unless the incident was considered extraordinary enough that the story would attract enough readers for advertisers to buy space. Make sure to keep the details gruesome.

Because Rihanna is a celebrity, and her boyfriend is a celebrity, there is no end in coverage of this story.  Go to Google News and you will find THOUSANDS of stories about this.  It is front-page news.

On one hand, it is a positive thing for a topic related to domestic assault being covered, as there is an opportunity for dialogue; on the other hand, because the media is so fascinated with celebrity, and “dishing the dirt” and belittling people with more money or status than us, the whole thing has turned into a sick fetish for reveling in a famous person’s suffering.

You can find plenty of stories that attempt to be objective; showing that there is a problem when society thinks the victim ‘deserved it’, with links to resources for those who need help, or are victims themselves.  These links offset the potential ethical guilt that a publisher would feel for acknowledging that it is helping to perpetuate a stereotype that needs to be fixed. There are stories discussing whether she will “take him back“, AND EVEN A STORY IN THE L.A. TIMES TALKING ABOUT HOW BEING THE VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE MAKES THE VICTIM LOOK BAND, AND HOW THE VICTIM SHOULD BE AWARE THAT SHE PUT THEIR CAREER AT RISK BY BEING ASSAULTED.  Remember to always blame the victim.

[As an aside, Google "Rihanna deserved it" and you will see a pretty fucked up list of results, mostly of message board threads, filled with teens talking in brutal grammar about whose fault it was]

The media frenzy didn’t seem like it could get anymore gratuitous until somebody remembered that it is the 21ST CENTURY!!1 and that means that everyone’s world is everyone’s oyster!!!! So, a gossip website managed to get a hold of what is purportedly a picture of Rihanna’s face, that was taken at the police station.  Of course, it is now all over the Internet.

I don’t even know where to start with this:

1) This is an almost farcical (think that South Park episode about Britney Spears) example of media sources fighting eachother for “scoops”; fighting to be the first to have the latest SHOCKER.

2) a) Some media outlets have argued that by publishing this picture, it may give courage to other victims to come forward.  In other words, it’s okay to obsessively recirculate and re-publish this picture, if you say it’s for the good of society.  THAT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.  I would say that 99% of the people who worked for commercial media corporations, who made the decision about whether to publish the picture or not, did it with one thing in mind: to attract as many viewers/readers as possible.  Grow some balls and be honest about your intentions, you sick perverted swine.

b) Some outlets, instead of writing about the content of the picture itself, are writing about how TMZ published the picture, using that as an excuse to also publish the picture.  GOOD WORK GUYS.  That makes you only 66% as perverted and twisted.

3) For all the media companies who asked the question, “is this appropriate?” and talked about how TMZ was kind of fucked to publish the picture; for all the media companies who said “perhaps this picture may disturb people, or is not the best thing to publish” —- DON’T PUT THAT PICTURE UP ON YOUR WEBSITE OR ON THE NEWS IF YOU’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW IT’S MAYBE NOT THE BEST PIECE OF NEWS TO DISSEMINATE (re: the ABC story)

4) This gossip website discusses why they published the picture, and mentions how it will be EMBARRASSING to Rihanna for years to come.   This same article says that it was important to share the ugliness of misogyny.  Should a victim be embarrassed?  Seriously?  I was raped when I was 18, and beaten up pretty badly when I was 19.  Both incidents were at the hands of strangers, and both incidents required a lot of therapy, support and time to even partially recover from.  Of all the emotions that I felt, embarrassment was never one; humiliation certainly was, though.

There are quite a few issues to weigh about what is responsible and what is irresponsible to publish, and under what context.  I have so many other thoughts on this, but I don’t want to go overkill.  Still, when the bottom line is making a profit, ethics can jump out the window, so why should anyone really expect anything but this shit in the first place?

Cliche diner girl

A YOUNG WOMAN in her mid-twenties saunters into your run of the mill greasy spoon at 3AM , and takes a seat across from a YOUNG MAN or WOMAN.

Postmodern cliche diner girl:

I want to leave behind this intellectualism.

Cliche dirty coffee cigarettes. Greasy spoon diner.

Honky tonk background radio.  3 AM. ((“Another, ma’am?”))

Wipe the mascara under  fluorescent lights

Greasy spoon diner.

I find myself sitting at this greasy spoon diner.

Telling myself again, about the revolution and how we(?) plotted it.

Telling myself I’m not a product of Drug Store Cowboy and too many Tarantino movies.

Drag again.  Sit across, under the fluorescent lights, and honestly tell me that I’m genuine when I tell you that I want to leave this world behind to plot the revolution, while throwing back 125 mL mugs of watered-down coffee, and picking at the laminate table, like so many other characters did before.

Tell me that I’m not a character; I’m truly a smart person, and my words are my words, and my ideas are my ideas.  I was a smart person before I opened a book, and the notion of angst was romantic before I ever saw the Simpsons parody Thelma and Lousie, letalone BEFORE I KNEW who Thelma and Louse were.

I came to this dirty, greasy spoon diner, at 3 AM, to sit across from you, while you watch me wave my arms around wildly, sketching diagrams from cigarette smoke with my left hand, while punching some invisible monster with my right hand.  I came to this greasy diner, like so many people before, because I couldn’t tolerate the knowledge acquired form a formal education via an incessant dictation of theory, of number crunching, of Marxism, of the drilling in that I will never be the first person to sit across from you in a greasy diner and tell you that the world is not the world it was meant to be.

I came to the place where I thought nobody would recognize me, while I bared my desperation.

I don’t want to be symbolism; education has reduced me to a theory.

I wanted to come here and sit across from you, to state how frustrated I am with my place in the world, only to present you with the perfect diagram of postmodern, cliche, 24 year old angst.

YOUNG MAN or WOMAN lights a cigarette as empathetically as a person can light a cigarette

Post modern cliche diner girl: Was I just being ironic?

IT Professionals

Enter stage left, a young DEBUTANTE.  She is moderately under the influence of alcohol, and shoveling a mixture of saladesque materials into her mouth, rabidly, on the transit platform.  DEBUTANTE is not actually a real debutante, however her widow of a mother is a witty and articulate playwright, while her late father was a failed politician and a prominent master of the post-production industry.

DEBUTANTE sits on a broken bench and sinks into the inhospitable plastic contour, and munches away sloppily.

Enter stage right, a WOMAN in her early thirties, marching in a stumbled gait.  Following this woman is a YOUNG MAN, dressed in a pleasant attempt at business-casual-casual.

WOMAN (mid conversation): You know, the cheapest condo is a one-bedroom and it costs $273,000.  It costs more than that to insure my car!

YOUNG MAN (sweating, slightly): My brother has a 4 bedroom duplex in Montréal! It cost him about $273,000! In Sainte-Geneviève, where all those mansions are.

WOMAN: That’s unheard of here!

YOUNG MAN: He bought it five years ago, though… when housing was cheap.

DEBUTANTE continues to munch sloppily, not noticing a blob of salad land on her jacket.  DEBUTANTE snorts and rolls her eyes (very subtly), as she listens to these blatant suburban house-renters discuss the virtues of a buyer’s market.

YOUNG MAN: And with the employee pay plan at work, I save thirteen dollars per month on transit!

WOMAN: Oh, but I TOTALLY park my car at King George Station.  Hey! I can give you a ride!

(After drinking two double mojitos, WOMAN is seriously considering planting a kiss on YOUNG MAN’s lips.)

YOUNG MAN (distantly): Oh, yeah. (awkward “heh heh”) That’s not bad.

WOMAN (alcohol starting to kick in stronger than when she first entered the station): I could give you a ride home! Royal okay isn’t too far out of the way.

WOMAN debates whether giving YOUNG MAN a ride home, by way of a major detour, is really cheating while her husband is looking after the children and the salamander

YOUNG MAN: Oh, but that’s like 8 stops past mine; I’ll take a cab. Those “sex on the beaches” are really kicking in.

(YOUNG MAN wants to smack himself in the face for referring to the amusingly-named beverage that he was introduced to early in the evening)

WOMAN: Oh, it’s not problem.  I have to pick up milk on the way home anyway.

YOUNG MAN (thinking to himself): WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

YOUNG MAN: I love milk!

DEBUTANTE finishes her food and looks around for a place to dispose of the plastic container.  While shifting her head around, a piece of dried cranberry becomes lodged in her throat; debutante turns cranberry red, then blue.

WOMAN:  Fucking crackhead. FUCK.

Musings of a Pharmaceutical Company Janitor — Revised

The very first entry on this website was a story I wrote called “Musings of a Pharmaceutical Company Janitor”; it is a run-on sentence.  I was re-reading it and realized that it was not actually a true run-on sentence, because I had failed to edit it.  I edited it, and believe it is truly a run-on sentence now, but I still could be mistaken.  There are some grey areas in the world of semi-colons and what not.

Here is the reprise:

Carson and me decided to each write a story that only contained one sentence, a long run-on sentence.  If anyone else wants to write one so that we can have an antholoy of run-on sentence stories.  I am quite pleased with mine.  I wrote it in 5 minutes so it isn’t GREAT and the grammar is not great either considering the whole point of the story is that it is made out of a terrible grammar error, but please… READ MY CRAPPY STORY:

Musings of a Pharmaceutical Company Janitor

..You know, I was cleaning the stock room the other night when I came across a bottle of pills I had never seen before that I think was called “Extract of Rhododendron Nectar”, or it could have been extract of rhododendron pollen but I can’t remember if for the life of me because I took it, and maybe you could tell me if you are familiar with this type of pill; I had never seen it before as I said, but you know, it was the craziest trip ever, so crazy that I almost blew my load all over the stock room, and that would have been horribly embarrassing, even more embarrassing than the time I took a bunch of Quaaludes and passed out in the janitor’s lunch room with my mop bucket on my head, with foam coming out of my mouth (which had a very bizarre scent permeating from it), almost as though something had died inside of me, except nothing died inside of me at all when I took those Quaaludes; they were unlike anything I had ever taken, not even huffing gas, and I would go so far as to say that Quaaludes were the best shit ever until I discovered this crazy rhododendron witchcraft hootenanny when I was cleaning the stock room the other night and came across that bottle of pills which I had never seen before as I was mopping the room with the same mop and bucket that had been on my head when I took all those ‘luudes , and ‘luudes are pretty intense shit, I must say, but not as intense as the rhododendron stuff, only because the rhododendron stuff makes your pupils dilate to the point that you would think your eyes were the circle pollen thingy, or whatever you call that flower circle stuff in a rhododendron; (I can never remember because I didn’t graduate junior high and that is what resulted in me being a goddamn motherfucking pill popping janitor for a pharmaceutical company), causing me to just pop these pills, which are the company’s property, while I mop the goddamn floor and all these goddamn fucking pills aren’t making it any easier for me, because I think they are making me delusional, because every time I look at my hands they look like flowers; they look like rhododendrons and I can’t for the life of me explain it, but I think maybe the rhododendron extract is turning me into a flower and FLOWERS CANNOT BE JANITORS, BECAUSE ONLY HUMANS CAN BE JANITORS, OR MAYBE A WELL TRAINED CHIMPANZEE,  BUT I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE OF ALL THESE PILLS, so I may need to even excuse myself to pop some more, but not before I tell you just how beautiful the trip was when I took the rhododendrons that night, when I was mopping the floor and found that bottle of pills, which has clearly turned me insane like a madman when the full moon peaks out from behind a cloud, or Dr. Jekyll when he drank that potion in that movie I saw back in ‘62, long before I ever became a janitor at a pharmaceutical company, but the point of this is for me to tell you all about those pills I took the other night, because it was such a crazy trip and I don’t know, I don’t think I can actually tell you about the trip, because to truly understand the trip, you need to take those pills and then you will understand what it’s all about, but you will also be as crazy as me, except I won’t be a lonely janitor anymore and you will not be a human anymore and we will both be beautiful, stocky red-blooded flowers stalking the halls of this pharmaceutical company at night, popping pills to keep us alive… because being a janitor is nothing worth living for anymore with these demons in my veins…

Clint Feetwood

Who is Clint Feetwood?

I was becoming tremendously frustrated as my brother muttered something along the lines of a “Clint Feetwood” not being at all pleased about something or the other.

It was the third time in as many minutes I had heard of this Clint Feetwood.

“Who the FUCK is Clint Feetwood?!?”

Casey slipped one arm into his navy blue trench coat, then the other arm. Then he shook both arms out so as to even the coat out and barked “Clint Feetwood…”, shaking his head.

Who is Clint Feetwood? Does he come down from his bedroom at night when his car alarm blares on my street? You see, I really hate it when somebody invests in a car alarm, only to allow the goddamn thing to wail for seven minutes after it has gone off. Seven minutes is plenty of time to make a getaway, rob a store, and ditch the car, only for it to sit abandoned and screaming in the ubiquitously crisp December moonlight.

That’s moonlight some pipe-dream wannabe filmmaker will get a good three hours of, thinking it will make a beautiful statement in his non-sellout-big-name-big-producer-cutting-edge movie. Cause nobody starts a scene off with a shot of the moonlight shining down on a crisp December night, do they?

I have no interest in beating around the bush only to find that Clint Feetwood was an inside joke that I felt outside of. You should know by now, dear friend(s?) that I am not amused by impatient ideas, nor by being messed with. If there is a Clint Feetwood, and holy fuck, if there is EVER a Clint Feetwood, it would be an understatement for me to stress how important it is that you own up and tell me what his deal with.

Who is Clint Feetwood? Why did his name sound like a joke coming from the lips of others? Why, when his name came from my lips, did ears and eyes react to make me think that he is no joke? Blind faith, Mr. Feetwood. Blind faith.

Andy

Nobody tells you what those public washrooms are really for when you’re a kid.
Sitting on the curb, counting little white pop rocks.  Why are there grown men sitting on the street counting candies in their hands? There are grown men in the street asking grown ladies on the street if they would like to buy a hard candy.  I asked Mom if I could buy some candy, but she said it’s not for kids.

18 years later, I’m following a path of dirty candy men.  My baby’s got his head stuck in a black cloud, and it’s not coming out anytime soon.

I grew up; he grew up.  He bought candy, I stayed home.  Nobody tells you, when you’re growing up, that candy’s not for grownups either.

They said “you’ll turn into a hooker if you buy it.”  ‘Cause hookers buy candy from grown men in the street.  And I don’t wanna be a hooker, so I’m not going to buy candy from grown men in the street.  But my baby’s not a hooker, and he’s disappeared into Candyland.  I saw him three days ago with an umbrella and a pack of smokes.

“Don’t go.  PLEASE don’t go.  I’ve cooked you dinner and paid the phone bill. Please….. Okay, I’ll give you my bus pass, but you’ve got to bring it back tonight, cause I have to work in the morning.”

So now I’m following a trail of crushed up, white candies; searching everywhere to find him.  I don’t care about the bus pass, I don’t care that I ate dinner all by myself.  I don’t even care that you never pay the phone bill.  Please.  Just please don’t end up like all those soulless zombies who float up and down the street.

I asked the men in the street, “have you seen Andy?”  They know who Andy is.  You know, Andy with the umbrella and “the hair like that”.

“No, I ain’t seen him in a while.”

But I know he’s seen Andy.

5$.  Now has he seen Andy?  He’s “seen Andy alright.  Yea, just around there, a little while ago.  Had a bag full of pens he was tryin’ to sell to the tourists who accidentally wound up down here.. heh heh..”

If I’m gonna find him, I’ve gotta be him.  So 10 more dollars to this man on the street.  I need some candy.  I’m going to stick my head into the black cloud and see if I can find Andy in there.  I told myself I’d never buy it.  I’d never buy the candy from the candy men.

It was then that I found Andy.  I had become Andy, and I’d like to think that I understood why Andy would disappear for days on end, and lose my bus pass, and  forget to pay the phone bill, and forget to turn the lights off at night… if he went to bed at night.  But no sooner did I turn into Andy did I turn back into myself, and I lost him again.

10 more dollars.  I have to find Andy.  I have to find Andy.  I became him again.  I saw the world the way Andy saw the world, but once again he disappeared so quickly, and my money disappeared so quickly. Suddenly was 3:00 AM and I was standing in the middle of the street with my boots soaking wet, pulling at my hair and shaking, while a million Andies all shuffled by me in the street.

I hailed a cab home, but realized I had spent all my money, so I shuffled, shaking, in no particular direction, hoping that I would reach home before the sun did; not even thinking that Andy might actually be waiting for me when I got back.

“You FUCKING BITCH.  How the FUCK could you do this to me? Who were you with? Who were you talking to?”

He could see it in my eyes, in my demeanor; he could see where I had been and what I’d seen.  Most importantly of all, he could see that I had spent the money, my money, that he had come home to get.

“Please, Andy.  I’m so sorry.  I swear! I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

I love Andy, and would do anything for him.  I’ll search for him when he’s been missing for days.  I’ll pay his bills.  I’ll tell his mother he’s sick in bed when I’m terrified he’s dead in an alleyway. I’ll do it all for him, because one day, maybe one day, I’ll save him, and he’ll love me, and he’ll thank me for everything I did for him.  Then I’ll be happy.

“I have more money.  We’ll go together.”

The Milk Crate

This is the first piece I have written for Creative Writing.  It still needs some tinkering:

The Milk Crate

 

 

 

Written by Leora C-W

 


The happiest day of the milk crate’s life was the day he was thrown into the back of a garbage truck and crushed into oblivion…

He came out of the factory: shiny bright and blue.  A feeling of contentment, contentment that one, perhaps, would not expect of an inanimate object, washed over the plastic crate as he was loaded into the back of a delivery truck.

The milk crate:  He would bring health and happiness; hope and fulfillment.  Every morning he would greet a different family, bearing the rations they so greatly needed.  He embodied the symbol of a prosperous future, and couldn’t help but feel a little proud, if not honoured.

“I came into this world through no choice of my own, with responsibilities and expectations thrust upon me from some industrial god.  But this is what I was created for, and so I will gladly carry out my responsibilities until the day I cease to exist.

And so, for many years — many, many years, the shiny blue crate would dutifully provide milk to gracious families all over the city.  He would listen intently to the brief exchanges between the milkmen and the housewives, wondering what it must be like to be human; wondering what went on beyond the doors and the walls of all the houses he visited.

But tragically, as should occur with all naive, pure beings, the milk crate’s feverous approach to life only lasted as long as his abilities were needed.

A day came where no longer the milk crate was shiny, and his coat was a mere grayish-blue.  A Velveteen Rabbit in a sea of low-cost, high-bulk goods, the milk crate was left for dead in an alley behind a local crêperie.

Sad and confused, the milk crate sat in the alley for months, as other unwanted crates were piled atop or beside him.  Empty — every single one of them empty.  He did not understand why or how he could exist, no longer having a purpose in life.

One day, a boy of about nineteen came into the alley from the back door exit of the crêperie.  He eyed the grayish-blue object intently, and the milk crate was briefly filled with an ounce of hope.

What the boy did next would go down as the most painful experience of the milk crate’s life:  The boy pulled the crate out from under its fellow abandoned compatriots, and if you can believe, sat on it!

A painful epiphany came over the milk crate:  He had spent so much of his life fulfilling the needs of others, so humbly and proudly.  Never once had he been thanked, and never once had he been acknowledged for his fine service to society. And now. Now? Now the crate had been reduced to nothing more than a makeshift seat for a disrespectful teenager to sit on while he smoked cigarettes behind a crêperie.

Several unfortunate events were to follow the run-in with the boy in the alley:  One day, he came outside on his break to find a dead seagull in plain sight.  Disgusted, he picked up the milk crate, turned it upside down and placed it over the bird, so as to obstruct his view from something so unpleasant.  The following day, a destitute man in rags asked the boy, “May I use this crate to defecate in? You see, I have no home and I have no toilet.”  The boy, somewhat repulsed, but equally compassionate, shrugged “yeah whatever.”

 

The milk crate watched the pain that other humans experienced, as they would use him as a seat in otherwise furniture-less apartments, while watching loved ones shoot heroin from dirty mattresses with dirty needles.

And so, the milk crate was given a new purpose.  But this purpose did not fill him with pride; it filled him with anger.  Anger towards those who had taken his accomplishments for granted; anger at the world for creating people who lived in such desolate conditions that they never could have enjoyed his gifts during the time he was still valued.  Most of all, the milk crate was angry toward himself for having been so wide-eyed and unaware that there was a world beyond happy families drinking milk and leading fruitful lives.

Used! So used, yet neglected, the milk crate had lost his faith in humanity, and had no desire, nor expectation to bring good fortune to anyone who should cross his path.  And his sentiments were echoed by hundreds of thousands of milk crates, soured by the harsh truth of humanity.  They no longer could deal with the humiliation of being misappropriated into the whores of the manufacturing world.  Collectively, in a karmic fashion, they would reap revenge on those who had created, enjoyed, overlooked and abused.

It started out one mild May evening at a house party the milk crate had found its way into. A drunken young woman danced with the drunken young man she had so foolishly thought was the love of her life.  They danced briefly, until the man picked her up to swing her around in the air.  Consequently, due to his impairment, the man dropped her head first on the milk crate’s unforgiving edges.

Fifteen stitches. “Let him feel the guilt of causing the pain to one of many who have caused so much pain to me.”

From that night on, isolated incidents began to spring up across the country.  The teenager at the cr êperie fell off a pile of milk crates that had been unsteadily stacked.  The man who defecated on the crate was hit by a car while he crouched in an alley, searching for a place to relieve himself.  Plastic companies went out of business, not only because they had over-produced milk crates, but because of environmental concerns revolving around plastic “goods”.  And so life went on, and milk crates found their new place in society as a most reviled, feared object, all because of the mistakes by those who had created them.

The milk crate was not happy; he was not pleased.  He was mildly satisfied that he, too, could inflict pain, though disturbed that he had evolved into such a monster.  He was miserable, but at peace; resentful, but accepting of his place in the world.  And, most importantly of all, the milk crate felt as though he understood what it must be like to be human.

This is what happens #1 through 3

This is what happens when you don’t sleep at night: then you float to the 7-11 and you think to yourself about how you wish the slurpee machine hadn’t broken down, and you wonder if it’s back up and running, and then you wonder if it is even appropriate to consume a slurpee at 3:51 AM.  If nobody sees you with that slurpee at 3:51 AM, did it still make a sound and did the associate at the counter even care?

It’s 3:51: it’s just you and the giant moth.  Maybe the bearded lady is working, and just maybe she will enlighten you with stories of smack addicts stealing ice cream and pissing on the floor.  But even the bearded lady has somewhere to sleep, or at least somewhere to go to after the dust has settled, even when the slurpee machine is still broken and the new guy hasn’t a clue how to fix it.

This is what happens when you start having nightmares about something that happened over four years ago, even though you had never previously had dreams about the incident.  Never ever.  If you think it means you’re afraid of sleeping, you’re wrong.  It’s clearly a fear of being awake, and the dreams are  nagging reminders that you can’t turn your back on life until your heart stops beating.

And no, since you asked, mother never told me there would be days like these.  But mother did not need to tell me when she could show me.  I watched her wilt and I watched her die, and still never believed there would be days like these.

The new guy hands me smokes, cause you never really quit smoking.  You never really quit vices.  You go to the next lily pad and try something new, and if you sink, you can just go back to where you came from.  I never looked back, but I kept landing in places from which I couldn’t escape.

Maybe he will make an idle comment about how he saw me earlier in the evening buying a bottle of juice, or how it “sure is awfully late”, but he doesn’t  And hands me the smokes, and makes incorrect change, because giving a quarter back is so much easier than giving back 24 cents.  He’s new, but he already has taken the hopeless approach to his dead-end job.

But this is what happens when you work on a rotating schedule and no longer have a regular sleeping pattern.  You wouldn’t have this job if you hadn’t gone back to school; you wouldn’t have gone back to school if you hadn’t moved to Vancouver; you wouldn’t have moved to Vancouver if you hadn’t cleaned up your life; and you wouldn’t have cleaned up your life if you had known there would be days like these.

A Stocking Full of Coal

This is my latest story in my series of “childrens stories for people who never had childhoods”. The previous story being “Pets in the Freezer”. I need to edit this, of course.

Little Matthew always chewed with his mouth closed and washed his hands before supper.

He would skip to school, whistling away as the birds fluttered above him.

Matthew loved to play with toy dinosaurs and throw a tennis ball with his pet St. Bernard.

He knew his alphabet and he knew his multiplication tables.

But Matthew was not a good boy. Matthew always put the spoon next to the fork.

Every evening, Matthew’s mother would call to him upstairs. “Matthew, it’s time to set the table!”

And every evening, Matthew would come down stairs to set the table.

At first, Mrs. Huntington thought that Matthew had a poor memory, so she drew him a diagram which she placed in the silverware drawer.

Matthew continued to put the spoon next to the fork, so Mrs. Huntington began to worry that perhaps her son was dyslexic.

“Eyes are as sharp as an eagle’s!” Exclaimed Dr. Fenton one cold November morning. He then took Mrs. Huntington aside and whispered discreetly, “however, I suspect that he may be wicked.”

Upon learning that her son may be wicked, Mrs. Huntington drove herself and Matthew home, and promptly poured herself a glass of brandy.

Matthew, relieved to not be dyslexic, went upstairs to play with his dinosaurs. His tyrannosaurus and triceratops roared with glee at the news, all the while unaware
of what Dr. Fenton had told Matthew’s mother.

On Christmas Eve, as Matthew was setting the dinner table, he told his mother ” I really hope that Santa Claus brought me a pterodactyl to play with my other dinos, Mommy!”

Mrs. Huntington simply stared out the window. Her son was wicked. He still was putting the spoon next to the fork. He was wicked, and Santa Claus does not like wicked children.

Christmas morning, Matthew woke up bright and early. He raced down the stairs, towards the lovely Christmas tree that was situated in the den.

“I WILL NAME HIM RODDY!” he squelched out of glee, anticipating to find a rubber pterodactyl hidden inside of his plush stocking.

Matthew looked, then looked again. What he saw in his stocking was 8 nuggets of coal; a spoon; a fork; and a knife.

There were no gifts for Matthew that year, and so Matthew’s little sister got a pterodactyl instead.

THE END.

Dee Dee is Dead Dead

So, it is the perfect opportunity for me to post my children’s story “Pets in the Freezer” on this website.  I wrote pets in the freezer last year.  It is based on truth.  That aside, I am sad.  Dee Dee was a fantastic pet.  I came up to my room yesterday and saw him lying on the floor, eyes wide open.  I picked him up and his head snapped back.

A dog broke his neck.

Our friends have a dog, and the dog had managed to get into my room and get Dee Dee.  I’m not angry though.  Just sad.  Stuff like this happens. Predators and prey.  We thought Dee Dee was still alive at first, so we laid him down in the kitty be, trying to find something to put him in so we could take him to Petcetera to have him put out of his misery.  Then we confirmed he was dead.  So I pet Dee Dee one last time, put him in a plastic bag, put the plastic bag in a cardboard box, and put him in the deep freeze next door.  Harsh.  We will bury Dee Dee today.

I will post my story a different time.

11 years ago today, I broke my arm.

4 years ago, I played the Joey Ramone Lymphona benefit /tribute concert at the Horseshoe.

4 years ago, minus 1 day was the last time I ever saw my dad.

4 years ago minus 2 days, my daddy died.

I just ate some pasta.

How to flatter yourself in ten simple steps

1) Meet a girl at a party.

2) Accuse her of being a lesbian

3) Make out with said girl; she is trying to prove that she is not a lesbian. She is not a lesbian.
4) Communicate occasionally with said girl. You go to school with her roommate, so you may cross paths now and then.

5) Run into girl on the beach at some wack-ass-ritualistic-hippy-dippy-goat-sacrificingly-primal “holiday”.

6) Flirt with girl; tell her you want to “make love” to her and whatnot.

7) Have girl come home with you; watch Ren and Stimpy briefly.

8.) Get a message from girl cause she thinks it’s funny that she got interviewed on the street, while looking like ass due to spending a night at the beach and then staying at someone else’s place. You see, telling a person who knows where you were the night before has more relevance than telling someone who just thinks you look rough shape. Makes sense, doesn’t it.

9) Get contacted by girl the next day. Just a little, inane comment or two. Those 30 seconds spent out of the 86 400 seconds in a day are clearly the result of a great deal of new-found devotion from that girl. The idea of communicating with someone EVER after they spend the night at your place is unfathomable. How creepy. Fucking creepy.

10) Send girl a message over the website Facebook.com saying “I just hope I’m not your new favourite past time Leora.

Ever felt really, really insulted?

My favourite pastimes include chain smoking, sleeping all day, writing, mainlining Prozac, not cleaning my room, playing with my bunny, reading, preparing for the Apocalypse, watching Home Movies, quoting the Simpsons, playing Super Double Dragon (newfound pastime), hanging out with my roommates, watching hockey and stalking vainglorious art school students.

Aviatory Romanticism

I’ve sat in an airport, waiting hours for my plane to take off. I’ve sat on stools at airport bars, as a teenager, hunched over my double vodka soda; my double black Russian; my glass of red wine: surrounded by lonely, broken businessmen who were drinking $7.45 pints of Molson Draft, while drunkenly chatting up the bartender about absolutely nothing.

I always seemed to be able to join in on the conversation about absolutely nothing. Relate. I don’t know why. In those airports, everyone becomes everyone else. Not zombies or drones. Just everybody else. Uniform in an overpriced limbo full of little uncertainty, but maximum apprehension.

You can talk about absolutely nothing, because you enter into this strange little world. I can remember thinking of painful thoughts; emotional baggage waiting for me at my destination, to replace the emotional baggage I had left behind. But somehow it couldn’t plague me at an airport.

That cliche of being surrounded by thousands of people, while simultaneously so alone, can’t ever be applied to an international airport. Maybe you are alone. Maybe I was emotionally alone, but that aloneness is the most amazing thing ever. I don’t know why.

How is it peaceful — relaxing, to be rushing from gate to gate? To be sighing over 3$ coffees and 8$ garden salads in the departure terminals? To be bumping into obnoxious people; listening to screaming, crying children; being sandwiched between frat boys on the bar-plane (red eye) home, all the while knowing you have something waiting for you and something you’re trying to shake off?

Are those romantic ideas? Is it more romantic to brood over the inconveniences, the detachment associated with flying from city to city? Is that more romantic than hoping that the love of your life will surprise you by standing in the arrivals terminal, much to your surprise?

I expected to be greeted by a cab driver, not the man of my dreams. He brought me cigarettes and a toothbrush. He told me how much he missed me, and loved me, and how he was waiting for the day I would return.

That is not romance, that is self-indulgence.

You don’t even know it.

“I don’t want to get AIDS; my boyfriend has epilepsy.”

I got off the Skyain at 3:48 pm.  I looked at the schedule, and took a seat on the bench.

“Do you know when the bus is going to come?”

“Soon.”

“Good,” said the woman, “I really don’t like waiting for the bus.”

I said to her the bus would be arriving in four minutes.

“That’s good.  I don’t like waiting for the bus.  And I thought it was going to rain, so I brought my umbrella, but it didn’t rain.  And I walked around Sears all day… You know when you’re shopping and your mind is just elsewhere? And I bought a bus pass. And I don’t like waiting for the bus.”

I nodded politely.  Murphy’s Law to always end up sitting next to somebody who makes me feel  uncomfortable.  She looked to be in her mid-thirties, but she had the posture and body language of a child.  It was weird.
“I don’t want you to think I’m weird.”

“Oh no… I don’t think you’re weird…” I reassured her.

“I have not done sex.  But I don’t think that’s weird.”

I don’t know what I would have expected her to say, but I wasn’t expecting that.

“Oh.” I said.

“My boyfriend thinks I’m crazy because I don’t do sex.  But I don’t want to. Is there something wrong with that?”

I  told her sincerely that no, there is nothing wrong with that.

“It’s just, I also think it’s a temptation.  And temptation is wrong.  I’m religious.  Don’t you think it’s a temptation?”

I told her I didn’t know, but it could be considered a temptation.

“And also, my mother is watching me.”

That weirded me out.  What did she mean by that? Oh. Okay, she looked up and pointed at the sky.  Her mom is dead and watching her from Heaven, I guess.

“But also, I’m afraid of sex.  I don’t want to get AIDS; my boyfriend has epilepsy.”

Then the bus came, and she told me to have a nice day.  The last thing she said was this:

“Are you mad at me?”

Finding God after the apocalypse

I had a dream about turnips.

I found myself in the middle of a post-apocalyptic grocery store. A little supermarket. The place looked like how the inside of the buildings appeared after the Chernobyl disaster: There were empty aisles upon empty aisles. Dirty white walls, with dirty stains everywhere. Garbage, and signs of life that had once existed in this tomb of a grocery store.

I walked down the aisle looking for food. Soon I arrived at what appeared to have been the produce aisle. It was full of dirty, empty crates with dirty, blank signs.

Not all the crates were empty, however. A few of them had giant turnips. Ugly, rotten turnips. These turnips didn’t look like regular turnips. They were deformed and grotesque. Some of them were so deformed and grotesque that the blank signs behind them advertised these things as something else; I don’t know what, because the signs were blank.

Streams of light shone in through the cracks of the heavily-stained windows, and there was a nice breeze inside, somehow. I didn’t understand how I had arrived in such a strange place, but I also didn’t feel alien to it. It was oddly peaceful.

A few elderly ladies stalked the empty aisles, searching for something that wasn’t there. They scrutinized all the empty crates, as though there was something they could see, but I couldn’t. A few of their grandchildren poked their heads over the crates to see if there was anything interesting. They, too, saw something I could not see.

I thought to myself:

I don’t know why I am here. There is nothing. This place is empty and all but forgotten.

But I didn’t want to leave empty-handed. I didn’t want to leave without getting something out of this store. I didn’t want to leave with deformed turnips or deformed turnip-like objects, but there was nothing else to take with me.

Why could the old ladies and the children see something that I couldn’t see? What was this invisible thing that kept drawing these few people back when everyone else had buried it into their past?

Please and thank you

“Desperate times lead to desperate actions.” Like the man who sat on the corner, with hundreds of butts of cigarettes. He was picking them apart, collecting the remnants, and filling a bag with this makeshift rolling tobacco. From that he was rolling cigarettes.

Please save me.

Please set the table.

Please get evicted.

Please pick me up some juice.

Please clean the house.

Please make me a priority. Please?

Please don’t think I’m desperate because it sounds like I’m begging when I say “please”.

It’s a merry-go-round– it’s more pleasant than a vicious cycle, because there’s crappy music and cotton candy stands nearby. Merry-go-rounds with glassy-eyed patrons, reluctantly holding onto the reins of something so disinterested.

You’ll ride the carousel, bemused by the bright lights, repetition and laughter of stupid, stupid, carefree children. I’ll get off; you stay on and keep going around. I’ll wander about. I won’t know what to do with myself, so I’ll go back in line and get back on top of the fibreglass horse.

New car smell

Once upon a time, there was a little picture of a little car. We got it from a little antique shop in a little town. We kept it on the wall of the studio. Now it’s on the wall in my room.

The car in the picture, it was a 1955 Chevrolet: “The year I was born…”

In the little trunk of the little car from a little antique shop in a little town, there was a little girl locked inside.

Her daddy stood 30 feet from the Chevy. Her daddy needed to sell that car. He was holding a little camera so that he could place a little ad in the local paper.

Maybe somebody would buy the car.

Nobody looks at those ads in the paper, those ads of the cars and the trailers and sailboats and monster trucks, and thinks maybe in that picture, in that vehicle, there’s a little girl lying inside.

Her daddy stood 30 feet away from the Chevy, snapping pictures and ignoring the fact that his daughter was kicking and screaming. She was kicking and screaming, cause she knew she’d never see him again. She was kicking and screaming because he wasn’t listening to her kick and scream.

Her daddy sent the picture of the little car to the local paper of the little town. He paid the fee, and included a few words about the car:

“1955. The year I was born. Only 20,000 miles. Works like a charm. A good car for the family man. Call ***-****.”

Call ***-****

Good car.

Cheese graters bring doom. Why restrict which metaphors are acceptable?

Some of you may be wondering why I am writing about kitchen utensils. Most of you are probably not. I was thinking about what words imply. I was thinking which metaphors are used, and which metaphors aren’t.

It may seem ridiculous and bad taste to use, for example, an obsolete mated colander pot as a metaphor for the love that was once had, or a pair of reaching tongs to denote, perhaps, a gateway drug or a way to cheat in life. Maybe it seems ridiculous because we don’t use these as metaphors, or maybe these ideas really are ridiculous at face value. Of course, we’ll never know if they are ridiculous or not unless they are tried out.

On the other hand, the lack of diversity in the way we describe things can turn something sacred into a cliché. Are flowers really that romantic when every damn man buys his damn woman a bouquet of roses on Valentine’s Day? “HOW THOUGHTFUL!” Not really. Maybe it says you don’t know how to express your love: you only understand what society tells you love is supposed to be. Roses aren’t love.

Imagine if one day your boyfriend came home and brought you a bouquet of shoe horns. You’d think “Gosh that is strange. How on earth could he love me when he is expressing his love through the act of acquiring a bouquet of shoe horns?” However, because the shoehorns appear in the form of a bouquet, you still associate this with the idea of a bouquet of flowers, thus recognizing the romantic inspiration behind the shoe horns.

Moving forward, what if your boyfriend brought you home a box of shoe horns in non-bouquet form? What if your boyfriend thought that shoe horns were the epitomy of romance? What if you appreciated that your boyfriend felt so strongly about shoe horns that you told all your friends who then told their partners about the shoe horns, and their partners all went out and bought them shoe horns? Would we then see shoe horns in the windows of store shops on Valentine’s Day, and flowers and hearts would seem ridiculous? Shoe horns with “I love you” engraved on them. Shoehorns for him, shoehorns for her.

This is how something can play out as an action, does it seem absurd? INDEED.

So, that gets me to the following point:

Kitchen utensils can hold great meaning and emotional value, should you decide to apply a certain meaning to them.

The cheese grater is a prophet of doom.

Quiver in fear, my little block of mozzarella. Quiver in fear. You will never see the light of day again.

Grabbing Tongs

(Don’t take my writings on kitchen utensils seriously…. I’m making fun of myself this time… But I sure do like writing about kitchen utensils today!)

OH, Tongs.   I use thee to grab at what is always out of reach.

I am not speaking in metaphorical terms, oh no.  The cure for all my pain is just out of reach.

I need the grabbing tongs to reach the to of the cupboard where I keep the ibuprofen.

I have a headache.

OH fuck.

The grabbing tongs are in the dishwasher.

Oh fuck.

We are all out of ibuprofen.

Spatulas

All I can think about is spatulas.
At 10:30 I have an in class essay worth 20% of my mark for Fiction.
It’s okay, I like fiction.
But all I can think about is spatulas.

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I wasn’t thinking about spatulas. I was tossing and turning thinking about dumb shit, and didn’t even realise I had fallen asleep because I was dreaming about the same things. I woke up at 4am and bedroom door was still opened. I was even more confused, because I close it when I go to sleep.

I could have thought of ways to distract myself back to sleep, like spatulas, but I didn’t. I could have cleaned my room or done more research for school, but I didn’t.

I feel back asleep for a few more hours. When I woke up, I was thinking about spatulas.