Maudlin crap
This blog seems to have two types of posts: 1) me discussing topics of interests (media, academic bullshit, etc); 2) me making references to relatives, particularly stuff related to the death of my dad.
So. The seventh anniversary of his death is approaching. Each year, I often get rather sad and nostalgic in May. Some years aren’t so bad. Last year wasn’t that bad at all. My dad died six weeks after I experienced what otherwise would have been the biggest tragedy in my life, so coming to terms with both has been quite a challenge. How was it right for me to try to deal with something that I thought only affected me (it didn’t), when my dad’s death was way bigger than that? How was it right for me to pretend nothing happened to me because I felt like my dad’s death took precedent? I couldn’t talk about what had happened to family, or to people who were mourning with me, because it would have seemed as though I was going “my dad may be dead, but feel sorry for me about this”. So, it was a challenge.
This year, for some reason, I have been having a lot more trouble coping, and feel so selfishly sad. I miss my dad so much, and wish that he was still around. I wish I could have had his guidance during my transition from a teenager to an adult. Maybe I would have gone to university sooner. I wish he could see how I’m doing at life; how my twin brother has his own business; how my younger brother is brilliant at everything he does. Our dad would be so stoked. And, of course, I wish he could see how strong my mom has become.
